My wife died last week – we had been married for nearly 59 years.
After leading a fairly sickness-free life, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago, had the usual chemo, lost her hair amid the many other terrible things that does to the body, had a successful operation but in doing so then found that her cancer had mastersised and gone to her liver.
Chemo resumed to target this new cancer, leading to a huge weight loss, lost feeling in her feet and legs, trembling and at one stage a complete collapse of her whole body, where her legs could not support her weight.
There were numerous trips to hospital to have more blood tests, with her heart monitored from time to time, as well as the many other ailments now claiming her body.
But through all this she was stoic, not letting other people really know how she felt.
When asked how she was, she would say “Ok!” even if she was feeling low.
We’d often argue about how she should say how she was really feeling, but she would always shrug off this idea.
She absolutely loved our two daughters, they could do no wrong, and just in minor conversations she would stick up for them so fiercely that sometimes I felt ashamed of the way I felt.
Those two girls were the love of her life, as they are mine!
Months before the end of her life, I would lie in bed and wonder what the end would be like – for her, for us.
Would I feel empty without her? How would she feel?
Most mornings I would wake and look over, concerned that she may have passed away in the middle of the night, looking to see if the covers were moving from her breathing, and heaving a sigh of relief when she would open her eyes, once filled with life but now hurt by things outside her control.
She was so tired and weak.
We were both born in a time when there was no real acknowledgment of grief. In a time when you just got on with it.
Her favourite saying was, “What is, is.”
Sue, rest in peace, knowing you have left behind a legacy for the future.
You, your spouse and your family and friends are all challenged by the situation, not knowing what to do or what to say.
How to approach each other and find constructive ways of dealing with death is a problem that most find hard to solve.
Cancer will touch each one of us in some way in our lifetime and is especially hard on family.
Very often the family struggles with questions about how the needs of the patient can be met. We are all new to this experience and it is a scary event.
The main thing to remember is, HOW you share your final wishes with your loved ones. These are the greatest gifts you can leave.
If everyone had this conversation it would have a huge impact on changing how we deal with death for the better.
